Journal From the Quest

2021-5-22

This morning with lead with deep alchemical  practices to address the patterns in the soma. I realized that I was in that Rose Cross of the Rainbow, a coordinate in the Akasha, a realm of the dark moon. Of shadow, and of facing the manifestation of my deepest fear in the field.

The day was dark, cold, wet and brutal. What locals referred to as unusual for California this time of year. I realized I was living in the reflection of my own consciousness, the sacred mirror. Or even through the mask expansions, the creation of the Mythica spell and the network, the consistent access to my creative talents and inspiration. I was still facing a deep longing for more money and love.

So as of recent the Saturnian nature of limitation has created a brutal pressure, and alchemical cauldron of transformation relative The expansion, that Divine for both Peter and I as Jupiter. Yet, to fully work with and draw upon the sigil of Jupiter, to anchor the tone of abundance, requires working through the deep rooted traumas in subconscious.

This is where I see my deepest fear arising, of being abandoned, unloved and unreceived, isolated and without access to the assets. This ranges from money to relationships, to the conditions. And my journey along the rainbow bridge has shown me that we can shift from the realm of scarcity to that of abundance.
Such is the rainbow Road that leads from one branch of the world tree to another. This is the very path that led us from Zen fest west to Healing Our Mind Ecology, to HOME. Where I now reside in a tent by a charred Tree, kissed with the embers of wind and fire.
Here I work the deep magic, sculpting the substance of the self. Realizing that I live within the rose cross of my chroma, within the reflection of the self. This is why we do the alchemies, We are being one thing becoming another. For Majik is the art of change.
 
It’s all about working with our vibration. With the pallet of sensation that we are…
So as I worked to move from scarcity to the realm of abundance, my deepest fears kept coming up. That of being “left in the cold”, ignored and not responded to, when I am doing something bodhisatvic and of service. It was my fear of being unreceived, showing up in my outer world, connected to the very result of manifest resource, money, love, fellowship and recognition.
 
 

This is what led me to Existential Kink, a teaching that channels through Carolyn Elliot… the practices of Deepest Fear inventory, where you write out the fears related to the manifestation of what you truly want. That you are not afraid of “not having it” so much, from this approach, but rather that there is a deep subconscious part of yourself that does not want you to have the good things and is therefor resistant to the manifestation of miracles and positive synchronicities.

So I wrote everything related to being received and honored, celebrated and reached out to, and burned it in the fire pit in a minor banishing. It was intense the feelings that came up, that of being afraid that if I truly get the thing that I want, that I will no longer be compassionate towards and relate with others, or that I would be betrayed and manipulated for my wealth…
 
I also did the White Flame Meditation Carolyn suggests, which is where you envision three scenes from the past emotionally related to the manifestation of what you don’t want. While witnessing what arises, you place them in a white flame and burn them in an inner fire of purification, releasing them completely from your experience. I felt the somatic effect this meditation had, a quality of burning away the memories, which are the imprints, the karmas, holding certain feeling tones in the soma, in the body of the subconscious.

Here Comes the Sun

As the shadows clear within, the sun comes out. Of course, I think. The outer is a reflection of the inner.
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Stepping into the light, I bask in a moment of appreciation. Grateful for the rays of the Sun, the Life Giver, imbuing me with vitality as I receive their grace into the pores of my skin.

I’m reminded by the teaching of expanding Influence in the WEALTH course, to draw upon the energy of that planetary deity. That the Sun’s jovial fire and light can be focused upon in worship and reverence to cultivate that quality of consciousness.
Reinvigorated and spirits lifted I move forward determined, entering the cabin where I glance at the tapestry of the cosmic heart of Source lit ablaze. The center like a crystal gem of light, illuminating the void of creation. A very manifestation in the field of the spark of the heart’s desire…
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There, I encounter Peter, sitting on the lounge working on the Mythica. The journey as of late has been difficult, and I admit my frustration at the limitation. He reminds me to hold to the faith, as the nature of discipline in relation to the Saturnian energies, is to adjust our vibration and bring ourselves to balance in the unfoldment of cause and effect. Something often we had to remind ourselves and each-other, amidst the holding space for the shadow-work and the deep transformations required on the hermetic journey to a more heavenly earth.
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He speaks with me of strategy and the importance of the alchemical journal, he himself getting deeper into the form of the tools, appreciating what I originally divined as a form for regular recording on the Quest when we were in the fae forests of Oregon with the maidens. It was a time I walked down the path taking photos and dictating into the Evernote, a note taking App that we use on the backend as mythical journalists.
 
“What’s that?” he asks, pointing to the Tarot Card I had drawn and brought in with me.

Tarot Card of the Day

4 of Wands – Completion
Venus in Aries (spicy combo, water and fire)
 
An appropriate reading, as it feels in the wielding of the wand, the element of fire, that I have just come to a completion of a certain phase of being. That in the processing of the shadows, the light of the true inspiration may shine through. As I gaze upon the card, a sense of relief washes over me, as the circle reminds me of a medicine wheel. Aries is an initiatory fire as well, the ram at the start of the Zodiac cycle, so there is a sense of new beginnings, where the eagle represents flight and movement, all coming towards the center, where a spark of fire lay.

Drop-In with Zoe Windflower

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